For Good
I had thought India Arie's
Beautiful would be the last song on my
chocomint playlist. That it would have ended with that. But at this juncture of life - call it a milestone, a new chapter, new leaf, a crossroads... I find myself thinking back again while listening to music and
For Good from Wicked just called my name, I suppose. I didn't realize until I went back to rereading that story again.
I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives,
For a reason.
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those,
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well I don't know if I believe that's true.
But I know I'm who I am today,
Because I knew you.
Because... Isn't it true? At least in part?
Yes, Ttiana will insist that I'm still the same
gaki as always - ditzy whiny brat. But she's always been more mature. She'll always insist that I'm more immature! True, I can be a bitch but... Well, I don't think I'm as bad as I used to be.
I've come to terms with it, I suppose.
Awkward will always exist. I can't do anything to change it. I've tried and tried, and gotten tired of being disappointed time and time again. Where once I would have wished, even for a split second, that things had been different or gone into a mini-spiel of who was to blame...
Right now, I don't feel the same anymore.
There's no point trying to pinpoint blame. It's over. I still can't find it in myself to blame others, but I'm through with blaming myself. In the end, it's simple: thanks for the memories, the kindness while it lasted, and for helping me grow as a person.
No regrets. No looking back.
lys @ 23:42, 02/08/2011
"mature" perceptions, my arse
You know, I really don't know why I'm bothering to react to this. Meh, it's just the alcohol making me more heckcare I guess! Honestly, I wanna laugh.
I'm just gonna channel my elitist bitch right now, and screw the politically correct phrases and nuances that GP taught me. Too tired to think of it anyway.
It's so pitifully pathetic, all the reactions that come out. "it's just a game" but you beat a cowardly route in fear of losing? Meh. And hey, you can't take the heat of competition, then yelp at me for being nasty. Hello, I treated it as a game until you brought out my inner bitch. Morons. And to make it sound like you're so mature and streetwise in comparison to us JC kids... Uh, considering that you can't see your own hypocrisy, you are just not? And uhhhh... It honestly just sounds like plain good old jealousy that you can't make it in society.
Mature? I have issues? Meh, "I'll get you back when I'm your boss." that is, if I even remember your lameass face then.
lys @ 02:28, 12/04/2011
Reflection Form 101
It's kinda funny how 'reflection' can refer to what you see in a mirror/still reflective surface and a soul-searching of sorts because somehow "soul-searching" is far more easily done when you're removed from the situation - or some time has passed since the situation has elapsed.
Since it is the past 2 years that bear reflecting now, I guess yes, a hell lot of time has elapsed. It feels like just yesterday that we were overjoyed that Lit Paper 5 was over and therefore As were officially over for us, ne? It's so freakin'
cheesy that egad, Imma take a leaf from Mandy's book and go rinse the nasty aftertaste of cheese out before continuing...
On second thought, since this is gonna be chuckful of cheese due to the amount of
thinking going on... I'm probably gonna get worse. Hell, I'll wash it out at one shot later!
Truth be told, I didn't really believe all those stories that they were telling us about how you'd feel on results day and all that back then, but now... Well, hell yea, now I do. It makes you feel like every little sacrifice has been worth it.
Results today were a shocker - except for Math, because I wasn't even thinking about Math anymore. I think between Val, Amanda (especially) and Rachelle, they were all sick of my insecurities regarding this subject and that subject. GP: too much new attitude, History: Not enough content, SBQ screw up! Econs: Uh, always fail, gonna die again, messed up
so much! Lit: WH's was crappppp. P5 didn't work hard enough...
So yea, it was kinda surprising, in a I-wanna-call-Mandy-and-Rach-now-and-scream-down-the-line-in-excitement kinda surprising. I'm not sure if I did it, though... Probably not as loudly as when I passed Chinese last year?
But I guess yea, studying for once does pay off. It
is worth it, no matter how much grumpiness and whining it induced from yours truly. And suffering all that nagging from school (read: our dear teachers) on top of parental nagging was well... Unnecessary if I was the kind of kid to study on my own. But well, I'm not! So yup, it was worth the pain of my ears suffering.
I hope I didn't disappoint, though I feel like I have for econs. And no matter the grade, I still feel like I could've done better for my Lit and History papers :S
The past 2 years have been worth it. They were oddly enough... Fun.
Yea, there are parts that I am
really embarrassed over. Like come on, 09-1A01 class dramas? I think only the PW one is one that I don't feel ashamed of... But no, I'm not gonna apologize for the fights, for the temper tantrums, for the ridiculous behavior that Val, Pree and Ezra liked to call "trying to attract attention" but I called "pretending people I dislike don't exist, since they do the same to me anyway." And so on.
I won't redo them, if given the chance.
Because as stupid as it sounds, even with these
damned embarrassing moments, this period brought about its own share of fun, hilarity and laughter. I mean, take this for example: don't you think someone backing away from your stationary
stationery like it could kill him just so purely absurd you
have to laugh?
And, more seriously that is so goddamn
cheesy that I think I need to disinfect myself after this: Yes, some parts of the past 2 years were stupid. Yes, they were dumb. And embarrassing. And a whole list of synonyms I'm lazy to rant. But in the end, they all taught me something or other.
To control my volatile temper better.
That people are not always as nice as they appear to be (a few occasions doesn't equal a really nice person)
To be civil to people, and still try to work with them despite outstanding issues.
But then, also to know when to
stop trying and just let it go.
To find the humor in any situation and try to focus on that, rather than any negative emotion.
That life leaves little lessons for us to find, at every turn - we just need to find it and learn it.
That determination and hard work is worth it, in the end.
That friends and the people who support you play a hell big role in whatever you're trying to do.
For all that, I won't change anything I've done in the past 2 years. Yes, I've come across as a complete
ditzy, whiny brat - the part about underutilized intelligence is often missed out. Yes, I've made a complete fool of myself at times. And heck, tortured myself with more studying in the past 2 years than the 10 years previous - and probably more nagging too. But every little bit has been worth it, because every little interaction has taught me so much more.
I don't know why, but somehow coming through this 2 years makes me feel like I've matured from who I used to be.
Maturity is a process, maybe? It makes more sense than it happening like someone snapping their fingers and
poof yesh, you're matured!
I can only hope that the next phase of my life following this would be as fruitful, and I'll meet equally awesome people, and maybe re-meet some of people I know now after entering the chrysalis in June/July 2011 (hopefully)
to those who know what I'm talking about, ;) to you! I won't need to re-meet you, of course. I expect to see you there when I wake up, more like! I'd demand chocolate/sushi/some favorite food, except that I'll end up watching you eat it. But whatever. You better be there! ;)
lys @ 21:45, 04/03/2011
Days Out
So what with the stress of results and emo-ing, I spent yesterday and today out myself. Lels was studying and Mandy was on dates. Bleh, I'm not used to booking my besties in advance. They're
besties for a reason, you know? The kind that have always been there.
I took the train down with Mandy yesterday, Outram for me, Vivo for her. Walked Bugis Street in it's entirety. Retardedly enough got a tee, a random top and a pair of highwaist denim (navy) shorts that are totally love. All that under $30. I feel so accomplished?
Went on to CityLink - yes, that godawful place where I got
lost and bought Etude nail polish - a really cute pink - and get this: Cassis Eau de Toilette :D :D That's totally love too! I finally bought it lols! Feels good~ Seeing how I can't find it anywhere else in SG -annoyed-
Supposed to meet Tiffany for lunch at 1230 today but the genius cancelled on me :( So I ended up leaving at like 2pm to go for that interview in Shenton Way. Of all times to rain, seriously! Plus I had to walk. Gah. Totally sucky. The cab queue at International Plaza was atrocious too! And I don't know how to call a cab. Fail, I know. Hopefully I can get the job. It sounds quite okayyy~
Went to Chinatown after that, just because. Well, I felt like buying stuff. And I know myself well enough that I'd spend less time in Chinatown than Bugis or 313 or Far East! So I bought flowers and lace. Then headed back to my old workplace for kicks.
I was in the area, what can I say? It was pretty fun, anyway. Though the people I'd bug aren't exactly bugg-able at that hour. Sigh.
Plus I actually missed my regular supper food that Jying would kill me for - cup noodles, what with her vendetta against it. And heck, I can't find it in NTUC, so why the hell not? Really wanted a particular kind of red cuttlefish buuuuut it was
mia already :( CNY stock, apparently. Life be sad!!!
Speaking of that.
Gahhhhh. I feel like my taste is so super bad. Saw the dude I used to eyecandy - never more than that 'cuz my Chinese is
cmi so English-fail people are fail. But oh. My. God. What was I thinking? Even though I did cut my hair, i didn't drop down the scale like
that. It's like from... 7/10 to something like a... 4.5? Failllll...
Anyhow, I can't fall asleep from result stress - as predicted, so I'm drinking a bottle of vodka cruiser ice naow. It's pretty good, actually. Except that I needa remember not to drink with chapped lips. It's kinda
ouch after a while.
And I think I'm kinda pathetic 'cuz it's only one bottle and I already can feel my typical alcohol-induced sleepiness kicking in. Oh well, that was the point. Goodnight?
lys @ 23:25, 03/03/2011
don't you wonder?
Do you ever wonder? Wonder what could have been if you'd taken a chance. I mean, there are always choices to be made. With every little choice, you decide which route you take. Maybe I'm just a silly little girl who thinks too much, but for me, I find myself thinking these days: what if I had done
this instead? I should have done
that, right? Etc.
At the spur of the moment, all our decisions seem logical. And for me, while I'm in the same environment where I made my decision, it is rather easy to justify it as the logical course, the
right one to take.
But what is
right, beyond a matter of perspective?
right [rahyt]
adjective- in accordance with what is good, proper, or just: right conduct.
- in conformity with fact, reason, truth, or some standard or principle; correct: the right solution; the right answer.
- correct in judgment, opinion, or action.
- fitting or appropriate; suitable: to say the right thing at the right time.
- most convenient, desirable, or favorable: Omaha is the right location for a meatpacking firm.
- in a satisfactory state; in good order: to put things right.
- sound, sane, or normal: to be in one's right mind; She wasn't right in her head when she made the will.
- socially approved, desirable, or influential: to go to the right schools and know the right people.
–noun- that which is in accord with fact, reason, propriety, the correct way of thinking, etc.
- the state or quality or an instance of being correct.
The painfully dictionary definition just suggests a matter of perspective. Being "correct," after all, depends on one's point of view. One might argue that it is correct for a person whose life is threatened to speed on the road in order to try and preserve his life. Yet if this person kills another by accident... Well, hell, the dead person and said person's relatives & etc sure won't think the killer's speeding is correct!
It is arguable then that what is "correct" and "right" is better paraphrased as what is "socially acceptable" and "socially approved of."
The "socially accepted" route was precisely what I did, sort of. The "most convenient" was also carried out - what better way than insulting? After all, how many people would consciously realize just how close to "like" "dislike" and "hate" lies? Not to mention insulting people (and snide comments) are just part of my personality that is really easy to channel. Hell, me, Tash and Rach's conversations are usually seasoned and marinated in insults.
You idiot, kono kuso gaki, baka baa-chan, moron, fubar sucker, oh shut the fuck up, you stupid person.
There are worse, but my brain's not really on that track right now, I guess.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I did the
other right thing. Instead of "most convenient," what would have happened if I did the typically polite "socially acceptable" thing of agreeing to disagree. Sorta like... -hesitate- "Yea, I guess ____'s okay..." kinda shit.
Non-stop insults... Geez, Lyssy, way to fell rubble to blockade the road! But true, I never thought I'd regret it.
It's not so much a huge regret. Partly because I never haven't done any huge investment of feelings into anyone in a fucking long time. People that make you cry/very near tears do that to you. But... Well, it's curiosity more than anything.
The logical part of me screams
fuck, Lysandra, you go straight into weird-accent-English when you're pissed. Not to mention you're waiting for A-Level results (Geez, don't remind me about
that of all things!)
and hopefully uni? Yesh, "social acceptance"-wise doesn't pan out at all. But it needn't have gone that far, did it? It wouldn't have gone that far.
I'm just silly, thinking so much based on a few conversations, a few stupid coincidences.
Maybe... Some little part of me wishes I could redo this. Because for all its beginning similiarities to a suckier screw-up of my life, this one is far more simple. And it's so much easier to wish I can redo something I definitely won't be going back to - except maybe for oh, I don't know. It's so much easier to wish on something that I can't see again and can't change, rather than something I may see again and can't change.
Does that make sense?
Maybe.
I don't know.
But...
Don't you wonder?
lys @ 20:20, 01/03/2011