is it just me ?
i'm considering, does this count as bad poetry? i don't think it does. it's just the random thoughts spiraling around a girl's mind, i feel. i need to get my thoughts out, somehow after all. its awfully annoying having them on the mind.
someone told me i'm no where near as blind as Z's girlfriend
simply 'cause plenty of other girls liked K too.
but i think it makes me even more of a fool.
i knew it was stupid from the start
i
told viv i fully intended to ignore it until it went away
so much for that resolve.
but what did i do instead?
what am i still doing now?
neutrality my fucking ass.
if it was neutrality,
i won't have started bitching about clothes
for christ's sake its only
clotheswon't have turned back earlier and delayed going out
i won't have called out
jinxed when i fell and my phone dropped
there are a lot of
i 'won't have's
i won't have been startled when...
when your ex asked me about tickets.
i mean, it
was my job right?
but my automatic recognition wasn't as D's friend,
but that it was K's ex.
Just so... screwed.
randomly, it occurs to me: how did they break up anyway?
not that it is my business but its like...
one day in on fb and then class
the next is another class and that's it.
it's odd, to say the least.
then i wonder, was there any awkwardness
when D spoke of well... D so casually?
either of them, for that matter, or all 3.
arts classes being what they are,
and the fact that i
know that K knows
(and given his inflated ego) too many now
i wonder if it spread that far.
its annoying.
i know i should stop.
quit all this childishness
all the prideful evil eyes that has been a long favorite of mine
the snide comments
all that.
but i don't know why i
just keep doing itviv and rach swear i'm still not over it, the way i whine
i don't like that thought
he's a right bastard
why the heck would i be like Z's gf and be that blind?
(i think she saw my chilliness earlier. it was quite fun!)
but anyway. i digress.
i don't want to be
not over it.
but i honestly don't know how to act.
i'm simply non-existent in that asshole's world.
and honestly, it's just plain weird to sit at a table
and
not address
one person only
heck, i got a rise out of tiffany last time at the very least!
or what i assumed to be disdained.
that one was hilarious.
in retrospect.
this... is like it all over again.
its like an automatic excusing of myself.
its no point stunting other people
just cause we don't get along at all
if someone has to step back first, so be it.
i think i know hnow.
i doubt there will be some miraculous intervention like the last time
but i think i know what i need to do.
i'll quit this nonsense because its simply so immature.
i love my title of gaki and living up to it
but i'll reserve that for when i go out with the rest
i'm just tired of attempting niceties or part thereof
i'll just turn on indirect and ignoring on full
i just need to adopt the same mentality as before:
better one than more than, ne?
why did i do all that last time?
because i
knew it was uncomfortable.
for tash, rach, the rest as a whole, basically.
it was tension and i knew it.
truly, i did enjoy the occasional evil eye,
the running between a1 and a3 to bug tash
just cause i couldbut that was in '08
its '10 now
people said i've changed a lot
maybe that should extend to maturity as well
i can only just do this
because i can't do anything else
i could continue this childishness
but its absurd, utterly absurd
and like tash,
i can act mean all i like but when it comes down to it...
we can't be that cruel.
i can't be that nasty to others
its not fair to them, ne?
i feel this urge to cry now
false hope, no matter how false you
know it to be, is always so hard to kill. and i think, this little part of me, no matter what, still wished that that particular dream that woke me up at 3 - 4 am in the morning earlier this year would come true. even though i knew it was futile. its still
itai.
i'll save my tears for my sleep
and pray that
with them,
they wash away.
all my memories,
of those absurdly tiny moments i still recall.