shinjitsu, plain&simple
I finally gave in today & decided to just rant out the truth as I know it. I swear it prolly has to do with the fact my nose's been acting up the whole day & plus the headache.. It makes you do stupid things.
I'm pretty sure I'll regret this but hey, its only one mini regret versus the rest.
Me & Viv have this joke on Regrets. One that I'm pretty sure Tash'd catch once I remind her of the D.Gray-Man song titled the same. It's could be considered a spin-off Irrec, I guess. Something like akazakura. It basically entails being better to spite the guy who didn't want ya, to use the most blunt form.
Viv swears my Irrec is just that: that I want him to see "what he could've had" next time, want it & Regret. I disagree 'cuz I don't wanna see him again, much less pull a Regret.
I realized something today:
I don't wanna have Viv's Irrec, now or even next time 'cuz, respectively, I don't wanna be 2nd, 3rd, 5th choice & I don't want you to prove you're that superficial. I don't want him to like me that way. That's stupid 'cuz I don't feel that way anymore.
I want things to be normal like the start of J1 again. Normal as in friendly. Sometimes, I wonder if it was just a very vivid dream, the period when we were amiable, 'cuz it sure as hell doesn't match my reality today. It was me being stupid, I know. But geez, even if I sucked at handling it, so did you?
I don't wanna remember you as "the guy that I wasn't fucking good enough for." I wanna remember you next time as a friend, damn it. But I doubt it'd ever happen. 'Cuz this sorta-neutrality is the best I'll ever do.
I sorta miss having you as a friend. But putting myself on the line for hurt again? Maybe it just proves that I don't deserve it, that I don't try. But I've triedfailedcried too many times already. & I can't afford to do it again so near my As.
So.
I guess you'll just be one of the many regrets I leave behind in Mar 2011. 'Cuz the nice you's only a part of my past. As sure as hell not a part of my present & I definitely don't see you sticking around for the future.
& that's just the way it is. & i'm crying. Shit. Fuck. Bye.
lys @ 20:03, 24/08/2010
musing the future
Went for dental ytd. I guess its sorta wishes coming true. Considering what I'll have to do for the whole process, it's possible that those people i don't see after As won't know me in a few years time.
It's sort of a dream come true then: a fresh start, kinda. Leaving a lot behind.
Sort of like what I told Pree a few days ago when Venice&Ning were up to nonsense: All i want to do now is to clear my As, get to uni & leaving all this behind. I'm afraid she might've taken it the wrong way. It's not that I wanna heck all my friends&all. God, no. I'm not like that :(
I just wanna be rid of certain people. The monster is, of course, one. & Duh the erm constipated gerbil. There are others that I don't really care if I keep or lose as acquiantances but.. My friends I sure as hell still wanna keep.
"Why the hell do you care what people think? Just be yourself & heck care, you dumbass gaki!" I can already hear 'Ttiana scolding me if I go too far. I have gone too far, been too stupid. That's why I wanna leave it. Keep it, confine it, to the past where it belongs.
I can only hope my friends understand. It's not that I wanna ditch .or anything - I have no intention to -but I just wanna leave some things, some assholes, some bad memories behind.
But duh, I gotta get there first. Study for As, I guess! There's still the screen next year to target! Study time(:
lys @ 23:34, 15/08/2010