Some days I just wanna revert to being 10 or 13 again and this time, just let go. Just go ahead and do it. Because it's eating at me, driving me insane. I can be happy most of the time, once I forget it. But when I have to really manage my time between home and school, I just want to die.

It's not saying that everyone else has it easy but truly, I am at a loss. I can't find it in me to study when all the stress just makes me want to escape whenever it hits. I have a case of escapistitis, what can I say? I don't like to say it out but when people pressure me... Suffice to say that I plain suck at lying.

There's the need to study. Then there's the need to do something about the whole shitpile at home 'cause my sisters are fucking useless. I tried everything, it doesn't work. Am I supposed to just not care and hope that those stupid idiots will wake up? I can't do it. Not even for my studies, I can't. Maybe it's partly an excuse too (Rachelle will start up on theories in 3 seconds if I gave her a chance) but I can't stand it. If I left it alone, the shit will hit the fan eventually and then, there'll be hell to pay and god knows when that will be and what it'll be like.

Mum tells me to not use it as an excuse (oh the irony) and just do what I need to do. But I know better 'cause even if I do that, with her instruction, when the shit hits the fan, I'll still get hit and I know I won't be able to study or do anything then. And what if that's before a major paper or something.

And my siblings are morons that don't understand jack. And none of my friends seem to get it. I miss Rach but she doesn't have time either. I miss Viv but she's absorbed in her studies and all I can do is sms and worry. I miss Tash but I can't go over 'cause between school and home, I just don't have time. One day, I'm just going to fucking snap for good.

Today was just... weird.

I'll forgo the long whining about how traumatized I am and etc over being contaminated but really? I think his girlfriend is stupid. But at the same time, I'm scared if I tell her, she'll think I'm jealous and all the shit will hit the fan. Again. Truly, there's no reason for me to be jealous, 'cause I'm not her - I didn't go after him. In fact, I was disgusted by him and admittedly, had a crush on an imbecile at the point in time.

Anyhow, speaking of it. Curly line attack in Lit today 'cause of the lecture title/theme. Seriously! But it was quite funny in the sense I just ignored the miniscule jokes and started drawing curlicues on Val and Pree's papers. Who gives a fuck about him, seriously?

Had to buy dinner tonight so I couldn't eat dinner with that girl. It's just so fucking hard to explain it. Rach and Tash don't need much. Just that look and 'Ttiana knows enough. Hell, I think she knows everything there is to know. But then, that is to be expected. I wasn't that close to Rach in Sec 1. But I found something (thanks for Rach) that more or less sums it up:

My family is a house of cards on a wobbly, plastic table.
I keep trying to build it up, but it only ends up falling apart on itself.
And sometimes, I get so frustrated that I knock it down myself. I just don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

I can only do what I can. The sibs don't help much. Junk does, on occasion, but she's more involved in stuff than Meh in certain things. And Meh's just around and does nothing. This balancing act is driving me crazy until some days, I just want to cry.

I really want to study but I don't dare to stay in school late. But when I come home, I just want to escape and not think about anything. 'Cause school work involves thinking and being arts, somethings will just trigger off other things and I just can't concentrate.

I'm slowly losing my love for Lit because I just can't concentrate. I keep drifting from it, and thinking about other things when they are triggered, especially when I do P5 and there are archetypes and the not-so-nice side of women. I just want to cry.

Studying for As isn't working well. Not when I'm unable to concentrate properly. Not when I can't do my work properly. I dread studying SEA history because every mention of that country when I'm at home and the mood stinks... It just kills me with the memories. I still can remember exact phrases and scenes in front of my eyes.

I know I should face my demons. But they aren't mine alone. I want to move on from it. The idealization one is over. I'm through with that part of my life. Nothing will ever come of it again, unless Rachelle's beloved fated comes true. Which I highly doubt. But the other one... I know it happened and it won't go away but I don't see why they can't just get on with life. It happened, yes. But why can't you forgive and move on. 'Kaa-chan, don't expect me to believe in... whatever when you say you believe and then totally don't adhere. Forgive and forget, my arse. I can't forget, but I can put it behind me. I'll never trust the same way again and it has left it's impact on me but I want to move on.

I wish she'd stop getting pissed off all the time and stop linking everything to that one thing and let me move on. Let herself move on. 'Cause this helping thing is just an extension of that, an exertion of frustration.

Really, I know I should help. But I need to study too. And all the sibs not helping isn't helping at all. I can nag all I want, ask all I want, but it isn't fucking working. All the insane stress is just pressuring me like crazy or else I'd still survive as always. How the hell am I supposed to study and maintain all this crazy shit. Someone just kill me.

Like real, my past 11:11 wishes stood a chance of coming true, fuck. Haven't I wasted enough time on that asshole? And everyone still had to waste two fucking hours 'cause of his lousy arse.

Fuck.

Don't say like wanna save money can? Lessen the branded shyte lah. There are hell lot of things that moron can cut down on that would save a fucklot more than $12, please. If you seriously wanted to, it's doable. I think it's just an occassional serious reason but more often than not, a convenient excuse.

I just lost my temper at that, I still don't know why. Just pissed we were wasting our time over this kidna shit, I guess. It just gets even more annoying when we spend more than an hour to come back to the same bloody conclusion! Ugh, I don't wanna go on! It's like couldn't they just cooperate and get it over with?!?!

Partly, I guess I'm sad, upset... To use Rach's word, "disappointed." I'm tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I truly tried to quit being so inherently biased and keep seeing the "nasty side" to everything certain people do always but seriously! Maybe my "atempt" wasn't really that obviousbut I really try - partly 'cause how those two geniuses who use curly lines too much kept going on about it. But what the hell. Akirameta, seriously!

I'm gonna treat that rodent to 'galce.' The kind that I was incapable of in Sec 3 regarding my stupid bitchy senior. This is going to be fun. This best part is I don't really need to do anything. Just act like my normal annoying self (:

Though acting like Rachelle over Azz and (sorta like) Tash over Steakface (and vice versa) is extremely tempting! Nah, I don't think I'll repeat the stupidities of J1 just for the sake of "getting revenge" or to piss people off or whatever... Once was enough! ♥

I spent the whole of today (minus the time spent in gp consult and waiting with two 'idiots' for the third definite idiot...) clearing out the mess called my room. As in going into all the old stuff that I completely and totally packed away for years! It was so fun. Tiring and at times gross ('cause of rust and silverfish) but fun.

Eh, random notes from god-knows-when... Primary school? Lower sec? I threw away the more stupid ones and especially the more whiny ones. They were so retarded I couldn't believe I wrote some of them! Honestlyyyyy~ And I was so anti-swearing until I tried to codify my swear words by spelling them backwards - Primary school, I swear!

Finally uncovered my primary school diaries and it's bloody freakin' hilarious. My primary FIVE handwriting looks like someone's. LMAO much? It's so ridiculous and, for lack of better phrase, fucked up that it's just totally fuck my life. Not grammatically correct, I know, but bleh, I don't care! It's absurdly hilarious~~ I never realized I could write like Tash back then. Oddly enough, our handwriting now looks nothing alike. Both went from straight to slant but beyond that... Nothing. Weird. It looked so much like hers too.

I dread putting everything into place nicely tomorrow... Then I gotta clear the stuff that's definitely not mine and infinitely more dusty and yucky. Sigh. Oh well, have to do it eventually, must as well do it now!

I really hate dust and dirt and yeahhhh... I can live with a mess but once I start cleaning, I really hate dust and dirt and all that. I'm weird? Well, that makes everyone weird!

I feel free, light, happy, content... I guess one way to put is would be "at peace" with myself and everything else. Even though it sounds really like someone died and it's all RIP and etc :D Which is rather weird considering that there is the pressure of prelims and As bearing down on me.

It's so strange to go without my typical melodrama of "fuck my life" and "my eyes burn" and all that. It was an unnatural cultivated habit that I wasn't too comfortable with anyway. I still slip up but I think it's going down. I still do it with regards to the bitch and the gross person but honestly? I'm considering not doing it as well 'cause they aren't worth my time.

Apathy and non-existence.

Having let it go, come to terms with it all, it's just so liberating. Maybe those ridiculous wishes that I made at various 11:11s in J1 may come true yet! For now, I'll take it as it comes and enjoy this feeling and make it last.

I essentially wasted away my weekend by chillaxing at Jodie's for practically the whole of Saturday, sleeping away Sunday's daylight hours then watching World Cup Finals at 230am this morning. Only managed to get in an hour of sleep from 5+ till 645. Suffice to say I was oscillating between awake and sleepy for the whole day. Screwed up sleep cycle, completely.

Saturday was absurd. We "swam" for a while, with Tiffany and Cheryl going perv as an interlude *shudders* I'm really disturbed and traumatized over the pictures they took with my camera, damn it! Played Wii too - I'm an epic failure, honestly. Super Mario - FAIL. Showdown thingy - FAIL. DDR - FAIL (not really, I just got bored?). Guitar Hero - FAIL. Epic... I astounded Tashauna and Rachelle with my amazing sense of direction and motor skills as usual. They should know - they've watched me run in circles while playing Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. That one was an epic fail. Not to mention I could run in circles while playing Cabal back in Sec 4?

Dinner was at Ministry of Steak 'cause Thai Express closed and those (to use a very Bleach phrase) fools didn't realize until we got there. It was okay except for the sucky service and the fact I had a disgusting headache. Tash's rubbing off me, I swear! I had no idea headaches were contagious. Too bad we didn't get to camwhore 'cause I was at the table with the most camera-shy person ever! Oh, I saw Jas and Yeow while eating. Still pretty curious as to what was going on but I don't dare to ask. 0.0

We went to dessert bowl after that. That was seriously: Fuck. My. Life.

The dessert wasn't that fantastic - totally not worth the money I paid for it :( Then it just got worse. I had a headache already but still... I mean, clique outing right, so try to be social and all that shit lah. Anyway, I've dealt with worse headaches before... So when Chiu asked that bitch if she knew some J1 councilor, I simply shunpian ask about that annoying guy in the study who screwed up my history paper 1. It went down something like this:

L: Hey, come to think of it, so did anything happen to that irritating Robert whazisname?
BITCH: Nothing, *scoff* now you see how "great" Y's power is?
L: I was inquiring 'cause A1 mentioned it to our CT.
BITCH: Whatever. You realize that you mention him you're making me bad mood?
L: I didn't even mention Y, you brought him up yourself.
BITCH: Whatever.
L: *seething "wtf"s in her head* Excuse me (Tashauna, Rachelle), I need the ladies.

I didn't even mention Yawn. Freakin' hell, I didn't even think of him when I asked that question! Don't fucking accuse me of something I didn't even do, goddamn it! Seriously, the way she goes on about him, I'd swear that she likes him or something. Interestingly, both Michelle, Val and Pree agree. It'd be quite hilarious to see the look on Yawn's face if I told him but I have no intention to risk certain death just yet.

Still!

It is pretty true lor. It's like she's obsessed with him or something. Chinese grade please? Seriously what is this? Abarai versus Kuchiki; Uzumaki versus Uchiha? (Yes, I'm aware those are all males but hell, the analogy is close enough, for all that those yaoi pairings that Donna parrots are really disturbing!)

But it is disturbing anyway! I'm getting goosebumps just thinking of it. *shudders* I feel like I'm being reallyreallyreally bitchy but I really can't help it! It's just so disturbing!

The worst part is the denial: Denial's not the only river in Egypt.

That aside, I spent Sunday sulking and today bitching while in school. Jiaoying just had to say it in Lit class and I just burst out laughing non-stop for all that I was half-asleep prior to that. Honestly! Better sense of timing please?

Rachelle disagrees though and tells me their "relationship" (or lack thereof) is like mine with that... *struggles to find an adequate word* imbecile. Minus the part where I used to have a crush on him. Rightttt... Okayyyy... She practically copy-pasted Val, excepting the qualifier. Fuck. Too much history.

Speaking of which, we "argued" over waiting for a person over lunch after history lecture. Like there's a period when even when you aren't together you'd still want to be together, versus you don't want to be together anymore. That plus something that Diana/Donna asked me a while ago kinda clicked it for me. Ner/Junk asked me: what if (because we were talking about appearance changing post-As as per my happy plan) you meet someone you used to like next time, but that person doesn't recognize you though you recognize him and now he likes you? It wasn't really pinned on any guy but when I told Pree, she automatically jumped to conclusions. But either way, my answer's still the same: I would walk away. If he couldn't accept me for what I was but now that I look different he likes me, it's absurdly superficial and grossly degrading. I still have some self-respect left.

I'm more into Pree's stage of "don't wait" because I still have my pride and self-respect and I don't see the worth in it anymore. But at the same time, still sorta in the (Val and Ezra's) stage of still-want-something because I still regret some of the stupid things I did in J1. But hey, what's done is done. There's no way to go back and change what I've done, so screw it. I'll accept what it has come to be and just live (: The way Tash, Viv and Rach have been nagging me to for ages already. I guess awesome friends count and I mean both school and sec (pri?) sch besties ♥

While waiting for Val to finish with Econs remedial, Pree and I kinda discussed relationship stuff instead of doing homework/studying. Typical us, seriously! Somehow guys with really short relationships came up and well... It just reminds me.

I'm really scared for Rach. I mean, I know she's happy with the Alien but he had tons of girls before her. And he tells her they don't count 'cause he didn't feel anything for them. What if he says that about her when they break up? I think she's living with her head in the clouds. I don't know. It's like the way they interact, I don't know what he wants from her and I'm scared he's just out to use her.

What if he gets bored of waiting and they break up? Or if he gets what he wants then breaks up with her? (For which I'll really get violent) I don't want any of my close friends to get hurt.

She's still living in some idealized world - but then, don't we all. I'm just scared for her, I guess. The best part is, she knows the relationship won't last. It just makes it all the more ridiculous. I just hope if anything happens, it happens at a better point in time - like when there are no crucial exams or whatever. Other than that, there's nothing I can do except hope that he proves me wrong. That they prove me wrong. I really hope they do.

I realized there's a lot of fear towards the end of this post, what on earth? But yeah, I'm scared for As: for myself and my friends. It's a make-or-break situation already. So yeah, I'm scared.

Which would make more sense if I were sleeping now instead of typing this, so to bed I shall go. Hopefully my porn-watching chibi brother doesn't do anything... JKJK! It's just a suspicion that's not confirmed yet.

Today (yesterday?) was fraught with so many stupid decisions, I don't know what to say.

I slept at 12+ knowing that I'd only survived on 3 hours of sleep the day before - meaning that I would crash like crazy but I didn't want to care. This morning, I refused to get up when my alarm went off and persistently burrowed under my pillow-mountain when my dad tried to wake me up.

Given my dramatics last night about not going to school: whining about wanting alcohol, piano playing, extreme music while in the shower (mood music, if you will: Dream Theater's As I Am, and You Not Me, Evanescence's My Immortal and Sweet Sacrifice, Within Temptation's See Who I Am... The usual!), and not to mention temper tantrums... Well, basically dad wasn't too sure if I was serious about not going to school or not.

I ended up going 'cuz I did say I'd lend Yawn my stupid history stuff (epic, seriously - why would I need a copy of my own notes. Oh well. At least I don't have to carry between school and home then!) and there was consult for gp =.= FML, I didn't realize it was cancelled until I got to school!

I really should've checked my phone for messages before leaving =.= I didn't see Val's message until I was in econs class, darn it! I could've just ponned and dropped off my history file along the way to Tashauna's... or something! Stupid =.=

Against my better judgment (I can't believe I fell for that darn act! I should so totally tell the wolf that she lost weight!), I told Val about what I thought about yesterday's history tutorial and let her read. I'm not too sure if I regret it or not.

With Vivienne, Rachelle and Tashauna, it's easy not to have regrets. They know everything anyway. I don't need to worry if they'd accidentally tell the other person involved, most of the time. 'Ttiana's so adept at keeping secrets I don't need to worry. And they have no one of import to tell anyway? You can't tell me Rach'll tell the fruity alcoholic alien who'll then tell the llama and then yeahhhh... Not gonna happen.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm oversensitive. But I've always been criticized for that, anyway. I think what Tash and Rach were telling me was that yes, it's bloody rude but if you have a damn problem with it, can you please be the gaki we know and just tell him off? If it's that f***ing annoying, then say so. Indirect breeds indirect. Etc. Etc.

I'm making excuses for myself when I say I'm scared to be yelled at again, it seems to be what they're saying. But hey, you never know! I think Tash was this close to tossing the shuriken I bought her for her birthday at my head. I conceded, in the end. I always do when the two of them "gang up" on me - the next time, I'll just say what's on my mind, reckless or not.

Honestly, just sitting around in Tashauna's living room with her and Rachelle was so fun. We played Call of Duty 4 Modern Warfare - I fail at it, I swear, and Rach keeps getting blown up by grenades. At least 15 times by the time I left, I think? Some Audition too, because dad refused to let me install it, ugh. I wanted to play Dragon Age (Zevran's so fun!) but I finished my game already and 'Ttiana'd whack me like crazy over the Alistair-Anora thing again!

It's one of those things I miss: hanging out with my best friends doing stupid things that I won't do otherwise. I was giving them disgusting SSMs that had them yelling at me as they got themselves killed. Or one of us would be saying something then get distracted by watching the game - me, most of the time. It got me distracted from bitching about the whole history thing, shockingly. I think Tashauna was like: what the hell, you bitch half-way then stop mid-sentence and stare at the screen?!?! I thought you were pissed?!?! =.=

We all do our own things now: Science, Arts, Accountancy, what the hell? But there are still things that I do with them that I can never do with anyone else. I cracked primary school (Tash)/lower sec jokes, played ridiculous SSM that include guys from wayyyyy back, the present, anime, games, shows and everything under the sun... We talked about gaming, played games and talked nonsense (Tash's Gene and Rachelle's Martini... Well, nothing for me but bitching and teasing ♥). Oh, not to mention the whacking. Ouch, it's been a while since I actually had to defend, damn it. I'm rusty at blocking 'Ttiana's hits already, drat. It's all fine and well that I hit plenty in class - hehe Ezra gets it all the time, I feel kinda guilty! - but defensive really sucks!

Damn it, I miss it. Lucky me, clique "conference" at Jodie's place tomorrow. Swim, eat, talk rubbish, mahjong maybe? The usual. I needa remember to charge the camera. Camwhore while I can.

I weaseled mum into letting me drink tonight. Yea sure, it's only breezer (I am not about to mix Sapphire with anything yet. I'll KO in under an hour) but it was a pretty dumb decision. I'll probably wake up with a hangover tomorrow. I think I'm kinda tipsy though. Just a little. I feel kinda... detached from I'm actually doing. Odd. Sighhh. Or maybe it's just a lack of sleep.

A severe lack of sleep.

Well, since my brain's screaming I need to sleep, so be it. I kinda dread the headache tomorrow already. I think I shall go drink water just in case then sleep before mother dearest gets on my case. After all, amazingly both idiotic sisters of mine are sound asleep.

Oyasumi nasai! ♥

It's thursday now. very late thursday.

I woke up on tuesday with I'd Lie on my lips. I still don't know why. Maybe it's because I've been considering and reconsidering 'Irrecognizable.' It's rather far-fetched and ridiculous, but I do wish for it to come true.

It goes something like this:

• Change appearance [contacts, braces, make-up, dressing]
  
• Change my name permanently [parents willing, please]

Hopefully, all the people that I don't want to meet again won't see me in the "transitory" period. I don't want them to connect the me of now and the me of the future. It's rather stupid, of course. With plenty of them, we have plenty of mutual friends. Especially with regards to one particular one from school. 1A1 or 2A1 thing and then I'm screwed. I can't even go back to school, for heaven's sake! And there's facebook and camwhoring. Even if I shut down my facebook, we have friends who go out, take pics and then upload. I'll be effectively dead.

Okay, fine, that one can be done with a very Tashauna attitude of being really extremely camera shy to the point of violence.

After all, they say if you really want it, it can be done.

Vivienne accused me of wanting "Irrecognizable" only because of that particular person. Curly lines. I denied, of course. It isn't him alone. I'm sick of the rep and the consequences of that. It's so selfish, I know but I just want to get away from it all.

Miracles don't happen.

Sure, by some weird fluke, me and tiffany get along just fine nowadays versus how we used to do the whole hate-each-other thing (more like I thought she was stuck-up and she was scared of me, wth fml?). But history isn't gonna repeat itself in this case. It's a different story now, anyway. I was an idiot in J1, I totally don't deny that.

I guess what's making me so pissed is this:
I'd already accepted the status quo of just avoiding each other and basically the whole respect-each-other's-space thing. But then he goes on to tell Val that he has quote "no problem talking to you" unquote. And what does that asshole do today? He criticizes my work (that I had to fucking rush out at 3am in the morning) by talking to someone else. Though it is my work.

It's not just rude. It's just downright contradictory. Filthy liar. Hypocrite. I'll pull an Ulquiorra: trash.

Don't lie. It's not like I can't take it.

It's this ridiculous state of affairs that make me want to forget. Every time I get used to something, something like that happens and then I'm reminded of my stupidity again.

(You broke my heart and yet time and time again you trample on my healing wound, reopening it repeatedly)

I just want to get away from all this stupidity. Forget all about it. Usually when this kinda thing happens, I go back to acting like nothing happened and push it to the back of my mind. But when he pulls this kinda stunt, well, this happens.

I just wanna forget it all.

I'd Lie was the lyrics of J1. Now, I think its more of... Well, honestly I don't know. There's no song to fit my mood at all. I just need to stop caring altogether, stop letting it affect me haphazardly.

I want "Irrecognizable" so that of the Monkey and the Moon, I'll be the moon this time around. But for now, I'll take the Quinta's line because it's the only thing I can think of: I'll "lift my head up, higher than the moon...until I can't see you anymore."

As much as I like Abarai, I cannot - will not - have "the stray dog in me dyed into my bones…. All I do is howl at the moon, but I don’t have the guts to bite."

Maybe just putting up with it isn't courage (ALONES by Aqua Timez), but all I've done so far is verbal and nothing of substance and consequence. I tried, sort of, but it all failed. I don't dare to actually do anything forward - cowardly to the max, I know.

I'm through with putting up with it but I'm still scared. So whatever. I'll take Nnoitra's line. If for now the roles aren't reversed yet, then I'll just take myself away from you and everything to do with you so that I don't need to worry about it at all.

I liked you. You broke my heart. Every time I healed a little, you tore me apart again. I tried to for normalcy as far as I dared. It failed. You tell me normalcy's fine. But then act in the direct opposite way.

I had enough.

"Kiss it goodbye, love," because all you'll be seeing is petals drenched in metallic red, dancing the wind.

Sayonara.

26121992.
leavingSEVENTEEN.(sayo!)
plmgss. srjc
4a1 '0EIGHT. 0NINE-1a01. 'TEN-2a01.
CAP '07 ♥


October 2007 | November 2007 | December 2007 | January 2008 | February 2008 | March 2008 | April 2008 | June 2008 | August 2008 | September 2008 | April 2009 | October 2009 | November 2009 | January 2010 | February 2010 | April 2010 | May 2010 | June 2010 | July 2010 | August 2010 | October 2010 | November 2010 | January 2011 | March 2011 | April 2011 | August 2011 |


layout: +
fonts: +
brushes: + +
image: +