don't you wonder?
Do you ever wonder? Wonder what could have been if you'd taken a chance. I mean, there are always choices to be made. With every little choice, you decide which route you take. Maybe I'm just a silly little girl who thinks too much, but for me, I find myself thinking these days: what if I had done
this instead? I should have done
that, right? Etc.
At the spur of the moment, all our decisions seem logical. And for me, while I'm in the same environment where I made my decision, it is rather easy to justify it as the logical course, the
right one to take.
But what is
right, beyond a matter of perspective?
right [rahyt]
adjective- in accordance with what is good, proper, or just: right conduct.
- in conformity with fact, reason, truth, or some standard or principle; correct: the right solution; the right answer.
- correct in judgment, opinion, or action.
- fitting or appropriate; suitable: to say the right thing at the right time.
- most convenient, desirable, or favorable: Omaha is the right location for a meatpacking firm.
- in a satisfactory state; in good order: to put things right.
- sound, sane, or normal: to be in one's right mind; She wasn't right in her head when she made the will.
- socially approved, desirable, or influential: to go to the right schools and know the right people.
–noun- that which is in accord with fact, reason, propriety, the correct way of thinking, etc.
- the state or quality or an instance of being correct.
The painfully dictionary definition just suggests a matter of perspective. Being "correct," after all, depends on one's point of view. One might argue that it is correct for a person whose life is threatened to speed on the road in order to try and preserve his life. Yet if this person kills another by accident... Well, hell, the dead person and said person's relatives & etc sure won't think the killer's speeding is correct!
It is arguable then that what is "correct" and "right" is better paraphrased as what is "socially acceptable" and "socially approved of."
The "socially accepted" route was precisely what I did, sort of. The "most convenient" was also carried out - what better way than insulting? After all, how many people would consciously realize just how close to "like" "dislike" and "hate" lies? Not to mention insulting people (and snide comments) are just part of my personality that is really easy to channel. Hell, me, Tash and Rach's conversations are usually seasoned and marinated in insults.
You idiot, kono kuso gaki, baka baa-chan, moron, fubar sucker, oh shut the fuck up, you stupid person.
There are worse, but my brain's not really on that track right now, I guess.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I did the
other right thing. Instead of "most convenient," what would have happened if I did the typically polite "socially acceptable" thing of agreeing to disagree. Sorta like... -hesitate- "Yea, I guess ____'s okay..." kinda shit.
Non-stop insults... Geez, Lyssy, way to fell rubble to blockade the road! But true, I never thought I'd regret it.
It's not so much a huge regret. Partly because I never haven't done any huge investment of feelings into anyone in a fucking long time. People that make you cry/very near tears do that to you. But... Well, it's curiosity more than anything.
The logical part of me screams
fuck, Lysandra, you go straight into weird-accent-English when you're pissed. Not to mention you're waiting for A-Level results (Geez, don't remind me about
that of all things!)
and hopefully uni? Yesh, "social acceptance"-wise doesn't pan out at all. But it needn't have gone that far, did it? It wouldn't have gone that far.
I'm just silly, thinking so much based on a few conversations, a few stupid coincidences.
Maybe... Some little part of me wishes I could redo this. Because for all its beginning similiarities to a suckier screw-up of my life, this one is far more simple. And it's so much easier to wish I can redo something I definitely won't be going back to - except maybe for oh, I don't know. It's so much easier to wish on something that I can't see again and can't change, rather than something I may see again and can't change.
Does that make sense?
Maybe.
I don't know.
But...
Don't you wonder?