waxing lyrical
It's thursday now. very late thursday.
I woke up on tuesday with I'd Lie on my lips. I still don't know why. Maybe it's because I've been considering and reconsidering 'Irrecognizable.' It's rather far-fetched and ridiculous, but I do wish for it to come true.
It goes something like this:
- Change appearance [contacts, braces, make-up, dressing]
- Change my name permanently [parents willing, please]
Hopefully, all the people that I don't want to meet again won't see me in the "transitory" period. I don't want them to connect the
me of now and the
me of the future. It's rather stupid, of course. With plenty of them, we have plenty of mutual friends. Especially with regards to one
particular one from school. 1A1 or 2A1 thing and then I'm screwed. I can't even go back to school, for heaven's sake! And there's facebook and camwhoring. Even if I shut down my facebook, we have friends who go out, take pics and then upload. I'll be effectively
dead.
Okay, fine, that one can be done with a very Tashauna attitude of being really extremely camera shy to the point of violence.
After all, they say if you really want it, it can be done.
Vivienne accused me of wanting "Irrecognizable" only because of that particular person. Curly lines. I denied, of course. It isn't him
alone. I'm sick of the rep and the consequences of that. It's so selfish, I know but I just want to get away from it all.
Miracles don't happen.
Sure, by some weird fluke, me and tiffany get along just fine nowadays versus how we used to do the whole hate-each-other thing (more like I thought she was stuck-up and she was scared of me, wth fml?). But history isn't gonna repeat itself in this case. It's a different story now, anyway. I was an
idiot in J1, I totally don't deny that.
I guess what's making me so pissed is this:
I'd already accepted the status quo of just avoiding each other and basically the whole respect-each-other's-space thing. But then he goes on to tell Val that he has quote "no problem talking to you" unquote. And what does that asshole do today? He criticizes my work (that I had to fucking rush out at 3am in the morning) by talking to someone else. Though it is
my work.
It's not just rude. It's just downright contradictory. Filthy liar. Hypocrite. I'll pull an Ulquiorra:
trash.
Don't lie. It's not like I can't take it.
It's this ridiculous state of affairs that make me want to forget. Every time I get used to something, something like that happens and then I'm reminded of my stupidity again.
(You broke my heart and yet time and time again you trample on my healing wound, reopening it repeatedly)
I just want to get away from all this stupidity. Forget all about it. Usually when this kinda thing happens, I go back to acting like nothing happened and push it to the back of my mind. But when he pulls this kinda stunt, well, this happens.
I just wanna forget it all.
I'd Lie was the lyrics of J1. Now, I think its more of... Well, honestly I don't know. There's no song to fit my mood at all. I just need to stop caring altogether, stop letting it affect me haphazardly.
I want "Irrecognizable" so that of
the Monkey and the Moon, I'll be the moon this time around. But for now, I'll take the Quinta's line because it's the only thing I can think of: I'll "
lift my head up, higher than the moon...until I can't see you anymore."
As much as I like Abarai, I cannot - will not - have "
the stray dog in me dyed into my bones…. All I do is howl at the moon, but I don’t have the guts to bite."
Maybe
just putting up with it isn't courage (ALONES by Aqua Timez), but all I've done so far is verbal and nothing of substance and consequence. I tried, sort of, but it all failed. I don't dare to actually do anything forward - cowardly to the max, I know.
I'm through with putting up with it but I'm still scared. So whatever. I'll take Nnoitra's line. If for now the roles aren't reversed
yet, then I'll just take myself away from you and everything to do with you so that I don't need to worry about it at all.
I liked you. You broke my heart. Every time I healed a little, you tore me apart again. I tried to for normalcy as far as I dared. It failed. You tell me normalcy's fine. But then act in the direct opposite way.
I had enough.
"Kiss it goodbye, love," because all you'll be seeing is petals drenched in metallic red, dancing the wind.
Sayonara.