Maybe Some Day
Some days I just wanna revert to being 10 or 13 again and this time, just let go. Just go ahead and do it. Because it's eating at me, driving me insane. I can be happy most of the time, once I forget it. But when I have to really manage my time between home and school, I just want to die.
It's not saying that everyone else has it easy but truly, I am at a loss. I can't find it in me to study when all the stress just makes me want to escape whenever it hits. I have a case of escapistitis, what can I say? I don't like to say it out but when people pressure me... Suffice to say that I plain suck at lying.
There's the need to study. Then there's the need to do something about the whole
shitpile at home 'cause my sisters are fucking
useless. I tried everything, it doesn't work. Am I supposed to just
not care and hope that those stupid idiots will wake up? I can't do it. Not even for my studies, I can't. Maybe it's partly an excuse too (Rachelle will start up on theories in 3 seconds if I gave her a chance) but I can't stand it. If I left it alone, the shit will hit the fan eventually and then, there'll be hell to pay and god knows when that will be and what it'll be like.
Mum tells me to not use it as an excuse (oh the irony) and just do what I need to do. But I know better 'cause even if I do that, with her instruction, when the shit hits the fan, I'll still get hit and I
know I won't be able to study or do anything then. And what if that's before a major paper or something.
And my siblings are morons that don't understand jack. And none of my friends seem to get it. I miss Rach but she doesn't have time either. I miss Viv but she's absorbed in her studies and all I can do is sms and worry. I miss Tash but I can't go over 'cause between school and home, I just don't have time. One day, I'm just going to fucking snap for good.
lys @ 17:41, 22/07/2010