curly lines~~
Today was just... weird.
I'll forgo the long whining about how traumatized I am and etc over being contaminated but really? I think his girlfriend is
stupid. But at the same time, I'm scared if I tell her, she'll think I'm jealous and all the shit will hit the fan. Again. Truly, there's no reason for me to be jealous, 'cause I'm not her - I didn't go after him. In fact, I was disgusted by him and admittedly, had a crush on an imbecile at the point in time.
Anyhow, speaking of it. Curly line attack in Lit today 'cause of the lecture title/theme. Seriously! But it was quite funny in the sense I just ignored the miniscule jokes and started drawing curlicues on Val and Pree's papers. Who gives a fuck about him, seriously?
Had to buy dinner tonight so I couldn't eat dinner with that girl. It's just
so fucking hard to explain it. Rach and Tash don't need much. Just
that look and 'Ttiana knows enough. Hell, I think she knows
everything there is to know. But then, that is to be expected. I wasn't that close to Rach in Sec 1. But I found something (thanks for Rach) that more or less sums it up:
My family is a house of cards on a wobbly, plastic table.
I keep trying to build it up, but it only ends up falling apart on itself.
And sometimes, I get so frustrated that I knock it down myself. I just don't know how much longer I can keep it up.
I can only do what I can. The sibs don't help much. Junk does, on occasion, but she's more involved in stuff than Meh in certain things. And Meh's just
around and does
nothing. This balancing act is driving me crazy until some days, I just want to cry.
I really want to study but I don't dare to stay in school late. But when I come home, I just want to escape and not think about anything. 'Cause school work involves thinking and being arts, somethings will just trigger off other things and I just can't concentrate.
I'm slowly losing my love for Lit because I
just can't concentrate. I keep drifting from it, and thinking about other things when they are triggered, especially when I do P5 and there are archetypes and the not-so-nice side of women. I just want to cry.
Studying for As isn't working well. Not when I'm unable to concentrate properly. Not when I can't do my work properly. I dread studying SEA history because every mention of
that country when I'm at home and the mood
stinks... It just kills me with the memories. I still can remember exact phrases and scenes in front of my eyes.
I know I should face my demons. But they aren't mine alone. I want to move on from it. The
idealization one is over. I'm through with that part of my life. Nothing will ever come of it again, unless Rachelle's beloved
fated comes true. Which I highly doubt. But the other one... I know it happened and it won't go away but I don't see why they can't just
get on with life. It happened, yes. But why can't you forgive and move on. 'Kaa-chan, don't expect me to believe in...
whatever when you say you believe and then totally don't adhere.
Forgive and forget, my arse. I can't forget, but I can put it behind me. I'll never trust the same way again and it has left it's impact on me but I
want to move on.
I wish she'd stop getting pissed off all the time and stop linking
everything to that one thing and let me move on. Let herself move on. 'Cause this helping thing is just an extension of that, an exertion of frustration.
Really, I know I should help. But I
need to study too. And all the sibs not helping isn't helping at all. I can nag all I want, ask all I want, but it isn't fucking working. All the insane stress is just pressuring me like crazy or else I'd still survive as always. How the hell am I supposed to study
and maintain all this crazy shit. Someone just kill me.